Hi S,
Many things happened yesterday after your final note and your final shot into your head.
First, I’ve got to know who you are, and saw dozens of tributes to you on Instagram stories.
On Monday morning, N texted me that his friend committed suicide. A few hours later, IG stories and news coverage were connected. My heart sank after reading everything I was able to find on your and your friends’ accounts, although I don’t know you personally. For the past 1 day, most of my attention has been on you, from reading all news and comments to saving every bit of info. I just could not concentrate on and be interested in anything else.
I always have a weakness for the death of someone who shares some of my attributes (age, gender, background, orientation etc.), but is more superior than I in looks, intellect, achievements, and relationship with others. It feels like a better version of me in another parallel universe has died. You look good and groom well, you have the bubbly personality I could never have, you are brave to openly befriend whomever you like (while I could only lead a double/triple life).
And most importantly, you are now remembered by so many people. I do admire the time, place, and method you picked for your own final chapter (might be just coincidentally and unconsciously your tipping point at the just timing regardless, but the result matters), although I would rather hide myself and die quietly without troubling and traumatizing others. Nonetheless, I could sense how envious I am of you.
Second, my perfect suicide plan reignited - to a certain extent.
Part of me really wants to be like you: look perfect, end myself gracefully, and receive remembrance by friends. I try to grow myself as normal and as perfect as possible, perhaps slightly deeper than superficial perfection to mask how broken and aimless I am underneath better. Subconsciously, I attempt to minimize my responsibilities and my intimate ties with others, so that I shall only take care of my parents. Once I approach my perfection and my parents pass on, I will shut myself down in a graceful way I could think of. It should be somewhere with a spectacular view that I can hang myself quietly and successfully without troubling too many people, but still able to be found right after my last breathe when my scheduled suicide note is being seen.
The other part of me is where I am torn. On that smaller portion, I have a thought that I will eventually outshine you by outliving you. I know that attention will eventually die down. Despite your nearest ones (eg. family, bf, bff) will suffer more before they could move on, your friends will feel loss and pity momentarily, while the majority will eventually forget.
I want a perfect departure remembered by people. But what about short-lived attention? I am a bit torn.
Third, I looked into why one (I, in particular) contemplates suicide.
After reading C’s messages, A’s IG stories, and your note, I have dropped my conclusion to A at the end of thinking process in the midnight:
I believe the root of all suicidal thoughts is to stop the agony of disappointment (losing reasons/anchors/recognitions) in life. If you don’t see the life after completing all foreseeable obligations/checklist items as unbearable, you won’t even have the thought of “the day”. Enlightenment makes us no longer obsessed with life and death issues, not driving us towards death. Nevertheless, mental overhaul does keep us on Earth longer. It stretches our obligations and purposes, so that our time to face the torturous days without life purposes can be further delayed.
This morning, G pointed out the possibility that your breakdown may be largely attributed to your struggle over your own orientation. It makes me wonder whether the agony I am facing right now also arises from the same issue.
Will I be happier, having less warped jealousy over the dead, and having less suicidal tendency if I were a straight?
Finally, I have to get over the current trough of what your case has stirred in my brain.
Like some other previous cases, I had thought a lot about how you grew up, about how you felt at your final moments, about how I could be there to save you if the clock was turned back, and about what if I end up in a similar situation as yours. What I could get are just futile guesses and wild imaginations that won’t matter anymore, but I just can’t stop myself from plunging into the abyss. There was even a slight moment in the swimming pool last night that I wished to put my life to the end, although it never materialized. I need ways to tame my emotion down and/or get my frustration off my chest.
Seek help? I believe I have freaked people out. On Day 1 (yesterday), I spammed a lot of people on WhatsApp and other apps. My initial disguise of my help as a normal discussion simply collapsed as I was getting uncontrollably obsessed, judging from how I talked and what I posted on WhatsApp. Starting Day 2 (today), I have decided not to trouble anyone unless/even when I have fully sorted out my mind.
Instead, I wrote. It is not easy to write all these down systematically at the expense of my work time, but I treat this as the only venting avenue. I wish that someone could find this message out and respond to it. But at the same time, this message shall not be related to your case and further upset your loved ones in any way.
Next, I shall get a closure by archiving all the updates. Hope that it makes me numb, then I could truly move on.
Hi S,
Hope you live forever as the changes you have made to your loved ones, and I do hope that the awareness you raised could last forever and save more lives not by just forcefully making them stay, but by getting them come to terms with their sadness and survive bravely.
As for me, I just hope that I could eventually make the right decision, no matter what it could be.
