我的思绪转换得太快，快得没办法一一解释和记下，往往想到合适的词汇和句子时，情绪上的细节都记不起来了。
我尽力把有关YW的所有搜索记录都删掉，却还是不由自主的在前天搜到他的出殡资料，而且还是在火化的一个小时前。某个开关又开了。
昨晚，对着Youtube唱歌的我突然又回到Facebook搜寻YW，发现有人点了首五月天的干杯给他。开关开了不久，我漫无目的的在Facebook翻着从前和朋友的合照，开始觉得自己一路走来并不差。既然我都对某艺人寻短的消息无动于衷了，那我何必在乎YW，甚至翻出他的过往？我有一股冲动，想把家人、朋友的照片都存在手机里，当我的救命稻草。
今早在厨房等着热水煮开，我又想起了YW，觉得短暂的人生其实也不算坏。但到了外头买早餐时，另一个想法又突然涌现：如果YW没活到上周，他被人记得的事可能没有现在看到的那么多；如果他再活久一些，毕业了，当上了写手，或许他让人记得的东西又会不同。
我回头看我自己，连我对自己的印象都是模糊一片，更何况是他人？那我凭什么去追求一个相同的谢幕？我还记得八年前JW的事（话说回来，这个月初好像是他的生日，这个星期一过应该就和我同年了），还记得自己曾经下定决心，要像他一样，创造一个最完美的自己，然后完美落地。
可是，现在的我是一块没有目标的浮木，接下来肯定会有更多类似的人与事不断侵蚀我的时间和注意力。即使这些讣闻能推动我前进，我还是不知道我想达到的完美，到底是什么样子。
生与死变成相互的助力，听起来很讽刺；
想死却发现自己完全连死后能被人记得的事情都没有，听起来更讽刺。
（打这篇文章以前，附近健身服饰店的促销让我想起了RH参加田径赛时的样子——他最好的自己是已经留下了，还是在离开时仍未出现？）
Tuesday, October 4, 2016
Monday, October 3, 2016
Damn it
1984. April. 13.
23-year-old NUS Chinese Studies graduate See Chong Hui hanged himself in Pasir Panjang, days after the final exam paper in his degree. He had been diagnosed with depression. He was a cartoon columnist for newspapers, and was awarded posthumously for a play script. As a tribute, one of his poems was adapted into a stage play on his first death anniversary.
2013. April. 23.
21-year-old NUS Political Science + USP student Peter Huen hanged himself in Cinnamon College. The Hwa Chong Institution alumnus had contributed poems in campus, and was also a foosball player. His poem was published in a compilation months after he was gone.
2016. September. 29.
26-year-old Yale-NUS Global Affairs student Dennis Chiang fell from his dorm at level 16 in his final year. He was reportedly taking antidepressants. He had been pursuing writing as a career, with his contributions published in a yearbook (available in libraries).
Why are talented souls always being snatched away from us?
23-year-old NUS Chinese Studies graduate See Chong Hui hanged himself in Pasir Panjang, days after the final exam paper in his degree. He had been diagnosed with depression. He was a cartoon columnist for newspapers, and was awarded posthumously for a play script. As a tribute, one of his poems was adapted into a stage play on his first death anniversary.
2013. April. 23.
21-year-old NUS Political Science + USP student Peter Huen hanged himself in Cinnamon College. The Hwa Chong Institution alumnus had contributed poems in campus, and was also a foosball player. His poem was published in a compilation months after he was gone.
2016. September. 29.
26-year-old Yale-NUS Global Affairs student Dennis Chiang fell from his dorm at level 16 in his final year. He was reportedly taking antidepressants. He had been pursuing writing as a career, with his contributions published in a yearbook (available in libraries).
Why are talented souls always being snatched away from us?
Sunday, September 4, 2016
Distress Signal
The New Paper
Sep 4, 2016 6:00am
BY CATHERINE ROBERT, PHYLLIS LEE
Last month, two JC students killed themselves. Experts are seeing more teens over exam stress.
It has been making the rounds online.
Two students from Raffles Institution, with everything ahead of them, decided life for them was over last month.
And within 10 days of each other, both took their own lives.
They were A-level students, one in the first year and the other in second year.
What is worrying, say the experts, is that they have seen an increase in the number of students sharing the same disturbing thoughts.
"I've had a few come to me and tell me they want to kill themselves (because they cannot cope)", says Dr Thomas Lee, a psychiatrist from Resilienz Clinic.
He has 10 such patients now, twice the number from five years ago.
"It is actually quite common that these students get suicidal thoughts," he says.
One of his patients had suicidal thoughts and was close to giving up when his school counsellor recommended he seek professional help.
He was in his second year of JC.
Dr Lee says: "(That patient) was one of those students who did well in secondary school but saw his grades deteriorate after he gained entry into a reputable JC.
"Part of his depressive condition came from the embarrassment that he wasn't doing as well as his peers, and it didn't help that he didn't have a strong support system at home.
"After he scraped through his first year, he thought it would somehow get better the year after but it didn't."
His suicidal thoughts persisted for months, Dr Lee says, but with prescribed medication and psychotherapy, he eventually improved.
Last year, 27 children aged between 10 and 19 ended their lives, according to figures from the Samaritans of Singapore. It is the highest for the age group in 15 years.
In 2014, it was 13 suicides for the same age group.
Why they killed themselves was not specified in the report.
But several clinics here say they have seen an increase in students in that age group seeking help - all had suicidal thoughts.
When it gets to that stage, the student would have "endured pressure for quite some time", says Mr Daniel Koh, a psychologist with Insights Mind Centre.
He has 20 students who need help, twice of what he handled last year.
CUMULATIVE
Mr Koh says: "They might hit breaking point during the exam period, but it is important to note that the stress is cumulative and cannot be attributed solely to exams.
"For example, students can be pressured by a whole list of reasons like meeting parents' expectations, making it into top schools or even making up for previous bad results to lift their overall grade.
"The anxiety accumulates over time before it gets to a point where they cannot cope and start to have suicidal thoughts."
And this accumulation of pressures affects children of all ages.
A spokesman for the Resilienz Clinic says: "We see students of all ages - mostly those who are about to sit for important papers such as the PSLE, O-level to A-level exams.''
But the increased number seeking help is not necessarily a bad thing, says Dr Lee.
"It is good that these kids are seeking help young because it is imperative to intervene as early as possible before the negative thoughts become too persistent."
- Additional reporting by Phyllis Lee
"For example, students can be pressured by a whole list of reasons like meeting parents' expectations, making it into top schools or even making up for previous bad results to lift their overall grade."
- Mr Daniel Koh, psychologist with Insights Mind Centre
Signs to look out for
Parents should seek professional help for their child if they notice significant changes in the child's behaviour.
Dr Lim Choon Guan, deputy chief of the department of child and adolescent psychiatry at the Institute of Mental Health, said parents should take note if their child:
- Becomes withdrawn
- Loses interest in activities he used to enjoy
- Becomes aggressive towards others
- Seems emotional, depressed, moody, irritable or scared most of the time
- Experiences a loss of appetite
- Feels anxious and restless
- No longer sleeps well
- Refuses to attend school, or his school results plummet for no apparent reason
- Expresses abnormal and negative thoughts such as suicide
Psychologist Freda Sutanto at Kaleidoscope Therapy Centre says friends can also keep a lookout for the following symptoms in peers suffering from exam stress:
- Focuses solely on talking about exams instead of a variety of topics
- Suddenly spends a lot of time engaging in avoidant behaviour like playing computer games constantly - a result of procrastinating the inevitable anxiety
- Sudden consumption of too many stimulants, such as coffee or Redbull, to "help" with studying
- Appearance of dark eye circles or a constant look of lethargy
Dealing with stress
Mr Daniel Koh, a psychologist at Insights Mind Centre, says there are ways for students to deal with exam stress:
l Have at least seven to eight hours of sleep daily - the best time to sleep is around 11pm
l Maintain a good diet
l Do light exercises or take leisure walks
l Spend time with family and don't focus entirely on academics
l Strike a balance among play, work and things that require your mental ability
l Take proper breaks. Don't study through the day or night
l If you're a morning person, do the heavier studying in the morning; vice versa for night owls
l Spend time doing things you like, such as gardening or baking
l If you are still overwhelmed, seek professional help
She hinted at her depression in blog
Tiffany Quek was eloquent and her writing, thought-provoking.
It also showed a troubled mind.
On Aug 11, the first-year junior college student wrote two posts on her blog.
They hinted at her depression.
She wrote of not wanting to "fight" any more and "not minding" if she had to leave.
But none of her friends picked up the clues. Then came the news.
"It was evident that something had happened," a schoolmate from the JC tells The New Paper on Sunday.
"Her closest friends were seen crying."
"It was later that we heard news of her demise as it circulated. It was first given to her closest friends."
The school announced her death during its morning assembly on Aug 16, about four days after the incident.
Six days later, members of the school's track team were told of their teammate's death.
Ringo Han Jia Ming was a second-year student.
On Aug 23, the school sent students for "emergency civics class", and they were reminded by tutors of a support system available to them if they are struggling to cope.
Sep 4, 2016 6:00am
BY CATHERINE ROBERT, PHYLLIS LEE
Last month, two JC students killed themselves. Experts are seeing more teens over exam stress.
It has been making the rounds online.
Two students from Raffles Institution, with everything ahead of them, decided life for them was over last month.
And within 10 days of each other, both took their own lives.
They were A-level students, one in the first year and the other in second year.
What is worrying, say the experts, is that they have seen an increase in the number of students sharing the same disturbing thoughts.
"I've had a few come to me and tell me they want to kill themselves (because they cannot cope)", says Dr Thomas Lee, a psychiatrist from Resilienz Clinic.
He has 10 such patients now, twice the number from five years ago.
"It is actually quite common that these students get suicidal thoughts," he says.
One of his patients had suicidal thoughts and was close to giving up when his school counsellor recommended he seek professional help.
He was in his second year of JC.
Dr Lee says: "(That patient) was one of those students who did well in secondary school but saw his grades deteriorate after he gained entry into a reputable JC.
"Part of his depressive condition came from the embarrassment that he wasn't doing as well as his peers, and it didn't help that he didn't have a strong support system at home.
"After he scraped through his first year, he thought it would somehow get better the year after but it didn't."
His suicidal thoughts persisted for months, Dr Lee says, but with prescribed medication and psychotherapy, he eventually improved.
Last year, 27 children aged between 10 and 19 ended their lives, according to figures from the Samaritans of Singapore. It is the highest for the age group in 15 years.
In 2014, it was 13 suicides for the same age group.
Why they killed themselves was not specified in the report.
But several clinics here say they have seen an increase in students in that age group seeking help - all had suicidal thoughts.
When it gets to that stage, the student would have "endured pressure for quite some time", says Mr Daniel Koh, a psychologist with Insights Mind Centre.
He has 20 students who need help, twice of what he handled last year.
CUMULATIVE
Mr Koh says: "They might hit breaking point during the exam period, but it is important to note that the stress is cumulative and cannot be attributed solely to exams.
"For example, students can be pressured by a whole list of reasons like meeting parents' expectations, making it into top schools or even making up for previous bad results to lift their overall grade.
"The anxiety accumulates over time before it gets to a point where they cannot cope and start to have suicidal thoughts."
And this accumulation of pressures affects children of all ages.
A spokesman for the Resilienz Clinic says: "We see students of all ages - mostly those who are about to sit for important papers such as the PSLE, O-level to A-level exams.''
But the increased number seeking help is not necessarily a bad thing, says Dr Lee.
"It is good that these kids are seeking help young because it is imperative to intervene as early as possible before the negative thoughts become too persistent."
- Additional reporting by Phyllis Lee
"For example, students can be pressured by a whole list of reasons like meeting parents' expectations, making it into top schools or even making up for previous bad results to lift their overall grade."
- Mr Daniel Koh, psychologist with Insights Mind Centre
Signs to look out for
Parents should seek professional help for their child if they notice significant changes in the child's behaviour.
Dr Lim Choon Guan, deputy chief of the department of child and adolescent psychiatry at the Institute of Mental Health, said parents should take note if their child:
- Becomes withdrawn
- Loses interest in activities he used to enjoy
- Becomes aggressive towards others
- Seems emotional, depressed, moody, irritable or scared most of the time
- Experiences a loss of appetite
- Feels anxious and restless
- No longer sleeps well
- Refuses to attend school, or his school results plummet for no apparent reason
- Expresses abnormal and negative thoughts such as suicide
Psychologist Freda Sutanto at Kaleidoscope Therapy Centre says friends can also keep a lookout for the following symptoms in peers suffering from exam stress:
- Focuses solely on talking about exams instead of a variety of topics
- Suddenly spends a lot of time engaging in avoidant behaviour like playing computer games constantly - a result of procrastinating the inevitable anxiety
- Sudden consumption of too many stimulants, such as coffee or Redbull, to "help" with studying
- Appearance of dark eye circles or a constant look of lethargy
Dealing with stress
Mr Daniel Koh, a psychologist at Insights Mind Centre, says there are ways for students to deal with exam stress:
l Have at least seven to eight hours of sleep daily - the best time to sleep is around 11pm
l Maintain a good diet
l Do light exercises or take leisure walks
l Spend time with family and don't focus entirely on academics
l Strike a balance among play, work and things that require your mental ability
l Take proper breaks. Don't study through the day or night
l If you're a morning person, do the heavier studying in the morning; vice versa for night owls
l Spend time doing things you like, such as gardening or baking
l If you are still overwhelmed, seek professional help
She hinted at her depression in blog
Tiffany Quek was eloquent and her writing, thought-provoking.
It also showed a troubled mind.
On Aug 11, the first-year junior college student wrote two posts on her blog.
They hinted at her depression.
She wrote of not wanting to "fight" any more and "not minding" if she had to leave.
But none of her friends picked up the clues. Then came the news.
"It was evident that something had happened," a schoolmate from the JC tells The New Paper on Sunday.
"Her closest friends were seen crying."
"It was later that we heard news of her demise as it circulated. It was first given to her closest friends."
The school announced her death during its morning assembly on Aug 16, about four days after the incident.
Six days later, members of the school's track team were told of their teammate's death.
Ringo Han Jia Ming was a second-year student.
On Aug 23, the school sent students for "emergency civics class", and they were reminded by tutors of a support system available to them if they are struggling to cope.
Monday, March 28, 2016
[Self-help Post] Grieving for a Stranger
Stuck in another 2 demises (groom-to-be and promising entrepreneur, both in their 20s) recently. And still struggle to get back to my own life.
Luckily, seems someone knows me.
Grieving for a stranger
http://au.reachout.com/grieving-for-a-stranger
When someone in the public eye dies, the media can go a bit crazy over it. How you react is very unique to you, and you shouldn't be worried if it makes you really upset, or doesn't impact you at all. If sadness is all around, there are things you can do to help yourself feel better.
This could be helpful if:
Reacting to a death in the media
It sounds clichéd but there really isn't a right or a wrong way to react to the death of a stranger. Many people experience grief when they hear about a strangers’ passing, whether a celebrity or ordinary person.
If you are experiencing grief or a sense of loss at the news of a stranger’s death, it’s probably because you feel some kind of connection to the person who has died. Whether they were your sporting hero, they played the sitcom dad you always wished you had, a heartthrob you wanted to get freaky with, sung some song that hit all of the right notes, or just reminded you of someone you know, you feel a sense of loss because that person made you feel something, and now they are gone.
On the other hand, if you don’t feel a connection to a celebrity who has passed away, it might be difficult to relate to the public outpouring of grief that is likely piling up in your social media newsfeed. Without having established some kind of emotional connection to someone, it can be hard to feel a loss when they are gone. That’s perfectly normal and understandable - after all, your life probably won’t change in the slightest.
Everyone will feel different things, and that’s just fine.
Why am I so sad about this?
Regardless of how well we know the person who is gone, we know there are loved ones out there whose lives have just been flipped upside down. There are friends who will never get to say that one last thing and families who have an empty seat at their table. Also, you just lost any chance at letting this person know what they meant to you.
What can I do about it?
It's been a while and I'm still sad
If the feelings of sadness don’t go away quickly, or you feel like they are starting to interrupt your life, consider chatting to a professional about it. Moving through those feelings will be much easier and faster with a professionals help. A GP is a good place to start. If you need to talk to someone right now give Kids Helpline (1800 55 1800) or Lifeline (13 11 14) a call - they're available 24hrs, 7-days a week
What can I do now?
Luckily, seems someone knows me.
Grieving for a stranger
http://au.reachout.com/grieving-for-a-stranger
When someone in the public eye dies, the media can go a bit crazy over it. How you react is very unique to you, and you shouldn't be worried if it makes you really upset, or doesn't impact you at all. If sadness is all around, there are things you can do to help yourself feel better.
This could be helpful if:
- You're sad about a death reported in the media
- You don’t know what to do after a death in the media
- You don’t like how a death is being reported in the media newspaper stack
Reacting to a death in the media
It sounds clichéd but there really isn't a right or a wrong way to react to the death of a stranger. Many people experience grief when they hear about a strangers’ passing, whether a celebrity or ordinary person.
If you are experiencing grief or a sense of loss at the news of a stranger’s death, it’s probably because you feel some kind of connection to the person who has died. Whether they were your sporting hero, they played the sitcom dad you always wished you had, a heartthrob you wanted to get freaky with, sung some song that hit all of the right notes, or just reminded you of someone you know, you feel a sense of loss because that person made you feel something, and now they are gone.
On the other hand, if you don’t feel a connection to a celebrity who has passed away, it might be difficult to relate to the public outpouring of grief that is likely piling up in your social media newsfeed. Without having established some kind of emotional connection to someone, it can be hard to feel a loss when they are gone. That’s perfectly normal and understandable - after all, your life probably won’t change in the slightest.
Everyone will feel different things, and that’s just fine.
Why am I so sad about this?
Regardless of how well we know the person who is gone, we know there are loved ones out there whose lives have just been flipped upside down. There are friends who will never get to say that one last thing and families who have an empty seat at their table. Also, you just lost any chance at letting this person know what they meant to you.
What can I do about it?
- Accept that it’s real grief you are feeling. You’re not being silly. Take a minute for yourself if you need to.
- Check in with mates. If you’re upset, chances are your friends are too. Ask how they are doing, and talk it over with them.
- Turn off the news/log off social media. Sometimes seeing the never ending stream of tributes can be overwhelming.
- Write it down. Putting your thoughts onto paper can help clarify how you’re feeling and make it easier to process.
- Report it. There are pretty strict rules about reporting death in the media, especially around suicide or mental health issues. Check out mindframe for more info, and contact ACMA if you want to make a complaint.
It's been a while and I'm still sad
If the feelings of sadness don’t go away quickly, or you feel like they are starting to interrupt your life, consider chatting to a professional about it. Moving through those feelings will be much easier and faster with a professionals help. A GP is a good place to start. If you need to talk to someone right now give Kids Helpline (1800 55 1800) or Lifeline (13 11 14) a call - they're available 24hrs, 7-days a week
What can I do now?
- Find out more about common ways people respond to loss.
- Check out some coping skills.
- Get more info on loss and grief.
Additional Resources:
http://isitnormal.com/story/is-it-normal-that-im-crying-over-a-strangers-death-78887/
http://www.recover-from-grief.com/mourning-jeffrey.html
http://www.recover-from-grief.com/mourning-jeffrey.html
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