But I don't. I get back to office and compose this post.
Well, I admit that it's nothing really noble for resisting my feti fulfillment.
I was on medical leave yesterday, and getting another half-day off is just too obvious, although AL is considered an entitlement.
If there are only media and family of J attending the hearing, the presence of a stranger like me might be very awkward.
Also, I try to convince myself that it's not worth getting deep into a deceased's life. I shall focus on my own life instead.
It is a tug of war between desire and sensibility.
In the past, I would text PD regarding my struggle (since he is the only person on Earth who knows my nec feti), so that I would feel being heard by someone. However, I should start trying to stop my annoying and energy-draining acts. Instead, I vent everything here.
Still, I do have the will to shout it out to a human, instead to the black hollow blog.
I choose not to attend and not to voice, but part of my mind seems rebellious right now.
The tough and suffering double struggles.
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